An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting by the bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, I want you to go for the Protestant minister."
The son is totally taken aback. "But, Dad," he says, "you were raised a good Catholic! What in the world would ye be wanting with the minister at a time like this?"
The old man looks up and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get the minister for me!"
"But, Dad," cries the son, "you raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. It's the priest ye want now, not the minister!"
The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect your father, you'll get the minister for me."
So the father prevails, and the son goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes into the old man's room and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming in the door at quite a clip.
The minister stares solmenly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now."
Father O'Malley runs up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were raised a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing at a time like this?"
"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his friend, "I figured that if somebody had to go, it was better one of them than one of us."
Two young men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Well, it seems that Sam has been in a tragic accident. Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe. "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you got to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him.
"Moe..."
"Who is it?" He sits up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice, "It's Sam."
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've go to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," Moe says.
"The good news," Sam tells him, "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe. "That's wonderful. But what's the bad news?"
"The bad news," says the voice, "is that you're pitching Tuesday."
Q: How can you tell if a Polish man is at a cockfight?
A: He's the one with the duck.
Q: How can you tell if an Italian is at a cockfight?
A: He's the one betting on the duck.
Q: How can you tell if the Mafia is at a cockfight?
A: The duck wins.
Two leprechauns knock on the door of a convent. A nun answers and says "How can I help you, little fellows?"
"Have you got any midget nuns?" asks one of the leprechauns.
"Midget nuns?" she says, "No, I'm sorry, we don't."
The leprechaun says, "Oh, come on, you've got to have at least one midget nun."
"I'm sorry, little one," she tells him, "but I'm afraid we don't."
The leprechaun starts to get worked up and pleads with her, "Please!" he says, "you've got to tell me that in all the world, there is at least one midget nun!"
Finally, his friend, the other leprechaun, elbows him in the ribs. He says, out of the side of his mouth, "I told you it was a penguin you fucked."
A man and a women get married, and on their wedding night, the man says to his wife, "Darling, I want you to give me a blow job."
"Absolutely not," says the woman, "If I did that, you wouldn't respect me in the morning."
"What do you mean?" says the man. "We went out with each other for ten years before we even got married. Of course I'll respect you."
"I won't do it," she insists. "You won't respect me in the morning."
Ten years later, on their tenth wedding anniversary, the wife asks her husband, "What do you want for your anniversary this year?"
"You know," says the man, "we've been married ten years. I love you a lot, and really, all I want is for you to go down on me."
"I won't do that," says the woman. "You won't respect me in the morning."
"I won't respect you in the morning? After ten years of loyal matrimony?" says the man. "Don't be silly. Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
"I won't do it," she says.
On their fiftieth wedding anniversary their children throw a big party for them. After the big bash, when they get home, the wife says to her husband, "What do you want for your golden wedding anniversary?"
"I really just want one thing. I want you to give me a blow job," he says.
"I can't," she says once again. "You won't respect me in the morning."
"What do you mean?" says the man. "We're seventy years old and we've been married for fifty years! Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
She thinks for a moment, then says, "Well...it has been fifty years..."
"That's right!" he says. "We've been together fifty years! I respect you more than anyone on earth!"
Well..." she says, "it is our fiftieth anniversary."
"That's right!" he says, "and I've never even looked at anyone else, and I'll respect you even more in the morning."
"You never did ask for much," she says.
"That's all I ever wanted," he says.
"Promise you'll respect me in the morning?" she asks.
"I promise!" he says.
So she finally decides that she will indeed give him a blow job. Just as she begins to do it, the telephone rings. The man leans over and answers it.
"Yes?" he says into the phone. "Yes, just a minute." He holds the receiver out to his wife and says, "It's for you, cocksucker."